The Courage to Choose Yourself

We grow up in a world that teaches us how to love others, how to serve, adjust, please, and sacrifice, especially within Indian families, where selflessness is considered sacred and obedience is often mistaken for love. From an early age, we’re told that our lives are extensions of our parents’ dreams. We learn to prioritize their desires over our own; to deny our own needs so we can maintain traditions, and to remain silent even when our hearts weep for freedom. In this culture, choosing yourself is rebellion. It is betrayal. But here’s the truth many of us never learn as children: choosing yourself is not wrong, its necessary, healing, and deeply right.

Guilt has this silent, smothering ability to insinuate itself into our choices. It makes us think that we’re selfish when we decline. It makes us feel ungrateful when we don’t do what others want us to. It makes us wonder if we’re worthy when we deviate from the script others have written for us to perform. This guilt is not always dramatic; it’s subtle, defined by cultural expectations and reinforced by emotional conditioning. You may hear it in the familiar tones of others:

• “They’ve done so much for you.”

• “What will people say?”

• “Can’t you change just a little?”

But guilt is not always an ethical compass. At times, it’s merely an indication that we’re venturing beyond a box that was never intended to confine us.

Psychologically speaking, when we keep suppressing our needs to suit other people’s expectations, we start to lose our true selves. This consistent self-abandonment can give rise to emotional burnout, low self-esteem, resentment, anxiety, and even depression. It’s similar to living life in shoes that don’t fit, sooner or later, the discomfort becomes unbearable. And yet, we continue to walk, limping through life, too afraid to remove those shoes because we were taught that suffering on behalf of others is honorable.

Healing starts when you begin to tell yourself a new story. Choosing yourself isn’t about rejecting others, it’s about including yourself in the love you so freely give. It’s about respecting your dreams, even if they don’t meet your family’s expectations. It means setting healthy boundaries without drowning in shame. It means being able to say, “I matter too,” even if your voice shakes. Choosing yourself is not disobedience, it’s about being real. True love, from yourself or others, does not require you to shrink.

The reason it doesn’t feel right is that we never learned how to select ourselves guilt-free. In collectivist cultures, where family joy trumps the individual’s, selecting your own way is considered insubordination. But feeling guilty doesn’t necessarily mean you’re doing something bad. Sometimes, it’s simply your inner child learning to walk a new way, one where she can finally be seen and heard.

So, how can we escape the guilt trap? First, by accepting the guilt without judgment. Ask yourself, “Where am I getting this guilt from? Is it based on love or on fear? ” Oftentimes, guilt arises out of not being able to fulfill someone else’s expectations, rather than hurting them. Second, start practicing inner reparenting. Talk to yourself as you would to your child if you were their loving parent: “It’s okay to want something different.”. You’re permitted to grow.

You’re permitted to pick what’s good for you.” Validate your independence with plain facts such as “My life belongs to me,” and “Picking myself is an act of self-respect.” Writing it out in a journal, discussing it with a good friend, or even with a therapist, can also assist you in sorting through the years of guilt.

One of the hardest parts of healing is learning to live without universal approval. Not everyone will understand your decisions, and that’s okay. Your choices don’t require validation from everyone. You’re not here to meet every expectation. You’re here to live truthfully, peacefully, and purposefully.

You don’t owe your life to the people who gave you life. You owe them love, respect, and gratitude, but not your dreams, your peace, or your autonomy. You belong to yourself. You always have. And even if choosing yourself feels burdensome with guilt today, have faith that one day it will feel like freedom. Like finally coming home to the person you were always meant to be.